Congratulations Fleet Team:
Before you set off on your first intergalactic quest to Earth and places beyond, please regard this guide for help on successfully integrating amongst Earthern people, known as “humans”, or: “people persons”, “kids”, “Mr. and Mrs.” and “my bitches”. After landing, keep this handy list pulled to the front of your Qzualar cube for easy, on-the-go reference during your interactions.
1. HUMANS CAN BE KILLED BY FOOD.
Many humans live mostly normal lives, for close to 100 years per human, and go without dying for all of those years. But other humans, although appearing to be normal, can actually be instantly killed by food that they eat themselves. A large group of humans are allergic to gluten. They are identified immediately by their constant warning statement to other humans that they are allergic to gluten. If all other humans don’t know that the gluten-allergic humans are allergic to gluten, the gluten-allergic humans can be instantly killed (we suspect, given the seriousness and urgency of the warnings). The allergy seems to fade from year to year, but then can be brought about again after the circulation of an internet article or a Dr.-themed daytime show.
2. HUMANS ALL CARRY AROUND DOGS.
Most, if not all, humans will be carrying around a small or larger dog animal. The dog animal is captive, and often serves the human. Most, if not all, dog animals will wear red jackets that allow the human to bring them onto airplanes, into shopping centers, and allow their bull mastiff dog to eat a 6-inch Subway sandwich off the floor of a Subway despite the glaring of their fellow Subway patrons, for the purposes of “therapy.”
3. HUMANS ONLY READ THINGS IN LIST FORM.
You must sort your thoughts into simple, easy-to-read bullet points for humans to read. Make a statement, and then make that statement a second time with use of a GIF movie with the original statement printed in bold white letters at the top. Another good form of communication is a “viral video,” where you can feel free to video record any questions to all of the humans, and they will respond (in “comments sections”) about your physical appearance and the ways in which you should kill yourself.
4. ROLLER COASTERS??
Do not be alarmed when faced with a roller coaster. Humans will often punish each other in large groups on roller coasters, but very few actually perish from a torture session. Humans can cover emotion very well, and will appear jovial all the way up until the moment they are strapped into the torture car. They will then scream in pain and panic for the duration of the roller coaster. Afterwards, they are further mocked with a photo of their torture session. The final strike is when they are made to buy their photo for a money price that is terrifying and nonsensical in its amount.
5. HUMANS WILL TIRELESSLY PROTECT THEIR OFFSPRING, BUT ONLY UNTIL ITS BORN.
Humans carry their offspring in pouches in their tummies for 9 months. During this period, humans will fight long battles with each other and the mother to make sure the baby doesn’t die. Babies die because mothers are “sinful,” “lazy,” “sucking off the government teat” and for no other reason. Once it is born, both the mother and offspring are then abandoned and scorned for having a child “out of wedlock.” The process was thought to be called “pre-life” as it only referred to the health and wellbeing of the child before it was born, but that was discovered to be a typo and it is now known to be “pro-life.” We are still researching if that name is meant to be ironic.
6. HUMANS WILL ONLY ENGAGE FOR 3 MINUTES OR LESS.
They will not respond to lists that are over 5 items.
Good luck, and remember that President Biden is always available if you need any assistance, his contact info has been uploaded to your Cubes.